RoboNovelist

You would think the biggest advantage of self-employment is job security, wouldn’t you? It’s not like I’m going to lay myself off, or replace myself with a machine. 

Actually, I'm seriously considering doing just that.

A company called Narrative Science has developed software to write news articles. It’s only a matter of time now before technology overtakes novelists. And not much time at that. Thirty years ago, my programming buddy Roger and I took a run at writing a computer system to generate romance novels. The code was a breeze to write, but the database technology available at the time wasn’t up to the task.

Silicon-based novelists have many advantages over the old-fashioned meat models.

1)   With that wasp waist and those perky little breasts, it looks better than most of the novelists you see on back covers.

2)   Its grammar is flawless, eliminating the need to hire a copy-editor.

3)   For self-publishers, the internet connection makes e-publishing a breeze and the printer accessory reduces the cost of producing hardcopies.

4)   Downloading a few reasonably-priced apps to interface with Amazon, Twitter, Facebook and Blogspot will turn it a marketing diva.

5)   It can be stored in a closet when not in use, eliminating the mess on my desk.

Now I know what you’re thinking. How can a computer-generated novel compete with a painstakingly handcrafted work of literary art? And I’m sure there are some Pulitzer prize hopefuls out there who feel like a cordon bleu chef watching a McDonalds going up next door to their five star restaurant. But I’m not one of them.

As soon as RoboNovelist hits the market, I’m buying it and laying myself off. Bye-bye writer’s block. Bye-bye revisions. Bye-bye embarrassing book-signing events and blogging about nonsense like this. Of course my life won’t be absolutely perfect, at least not until RoboNovelist 2.0 is released. That’s the version that comes with housecleaning and bartending attachments.