Law Abiding Citizen

You know how, in TV crime dramas, the cops (FBI, CIA, whoever) always find some big, important clue by hacking into a suspect’s computer?  Ever wondered what incriminating details they’d find if they hacked yours? I did, and discovered writers may be more at risk than the average computer owner. As a result, I am making full, pre-emptive disclosure here, in this blog post, in the event the authorities ever feel the need to go through my computer.

I am not a panty thief.

While looking through one of those stranger-than-fiction websites for a plot device, I ran across a news story about 1,700 pairs of panties, mostly women’s, some brand new and some used, found strewn along a stretch of country road in Ohio. A hook like this cannot be wasted. The “panty” documents are just story ideas, not plans. 

I do not have anything against chickens.

If you pay close attention, you’ll see that all those bookmarked Youtube videos showing chickens being shot from a cannon are about aircraft engine testing. I saved them in the event I ever need to crash a plane in a novel using nothing but a seagull. Anyway, the chickens are already dead.

I don’t have anything against donkeys, either.

I was trying to find out if there’s any truth to the urban myth that more people are killed by donkeys than die in airplane accidents. Apparently, no one collects statistics on donkey related deaths.

I have never committed, and am not planning to commit, bigamy.

It was just research for the next novel. Same goes for the spreadsheet outlining the penalty differences for class C felonies in the states of Washington and Oregon and the folder containing pictures of big-breasted cartoon women.

Speaking of big-breasted cartoon women - I am not kinky.

I was trying to figure out what sort physical damage would result from a dozen lashes with a cat-o-nine-tails, an important plot point in a novel I read recently. It’s basically hamburger and I think the writer should have done more research, since there’s no way the victim could have stood up three hours later, let alone lead the crew in a mutiny.

I do not Worship the Devil.

It just so happens that most of the internet discussion on crones and psychic powers exists on Wiccan websites. All of which may (or may not) come in handy for the novel I’m writing now. Which reminds me, I have to look up famous arsonists.

So there it is. Full disclosure - except for the folder on fish tongue parasites. That research really is just for my own amusement. I got interested in Cymothoa Exigua when Michael, my fact-obsessed, library technician buddy, told me about them.  (Now there’s a guy who should never get caught on the wrong side of the law. Michael’s interests are both broad and odd.)

See? All fully explainable and totally harmless.

What mis-interpretable interests does your computer expose? If you’re a writer, or Michael, I’d advise you to check it out before embarking on a life of crime.