Rancelot Ink

During a recent video call, Friend Nez proposed the idea of ranting for profit.

While delighted with the brilliance of the concept, I was astonished by the source. Nez has the prerequisite overactive imagination, but lacks the combination of paranoia and killer instinct necessary to produce a truly effective rant. She’s just too nice, as are most of my friends - although I do have one or two who could blister varnish off a Steinway Grand with a handful of well-chosen words. You know who you are.

In the modern world, there is a desperate and unmet need for ranting assistance services. I’ve mentioned before how reluctant people are to voice unpopular opinions and risk alienating important relationships with employers, in-laws and potentially homicidal new acquaintances. The damaging effects of containing annoyance are a serious health risk. Fuming in silence is stressful. Under conditions of extreme irritation, molars have been shattered by the dental pressure required to keep one’s mouth shut.

My new company, Rancelot Ink, will offer a broad spectrum of ranting assistance programs* at extremely competitive prices.

Economy Package: For a modestly-priced Merlot, your homemade rant can be published right here on this blog, anonymously and untraceably. For a better quality Merlot, graphics can be added to simulate hellishly flickering flames around the edges of your dissatisfied grumblings.

Editorial Package: Because they are composed in anger, homemade rants are frequently unintelligible. I will don my editorial cap to upgrade grammar and spelling, which will improve the legibility and effectiveness of your rant, in exchange for small, unmarked chocolates, a form of compensation originally exhorted by Friend Donna for tackling a photocopier jam that I have since developed a fondness for.

Compositional Package: For those ranters whose annoyance borders on incoherence, I offer my services as a ghost-ranter when compensated with a meal at a well-reviewed restaurant. The number of courses varies in relation to the level of your incoherence, the scathingness of the diatribe required, how much I disagree with your opinion and the amount of alcohol you can afford to ply me with.

No-Holds-Barred Package: Sometimes, a rant is of such epic proportions it can overwhelm an inexperienced ranter. Extreme ranting is a dangerous undertaking, requiring copious bile production that can result in gastric ulcers and lead to spastic colon. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Give it to me. I already produce bile in quantities sufficient to digest an elephant and would be happy to channel them into your service upon receipt of a bottle of Quarter Century Glenmorangie, an intoxicant reputed to curl dead men’s toes that I’d rather experience before I die.

To start the ball rolling, I will, for a limited time, be offering free samples. You are welcome to use the comments section of this blog to advise me of any topic currently bugging the crap out of you.**

*SMALL PRINT

ALL RANTS WILL BE PRE-REVIEWED FOR QUALITY AND CONTENT BY A COMMITTEE COMPOSED OF THE VARIOUS FRAGMENTS OF MY PSYCHE. ACCEPTANCE IS CONDITIONAL ON WHICH SIDE OF THE BED MOST OF THEM GOT OUT OF ON THE DAY OF SUBMISSION AND HOW MANY OF THEM SHOW UP FOR THE REVIEW.

NO RANT WILL BE ACCEPTED THAT PROMOTES UNSAVORY PRACTICES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO TOPICS SUCH AS CANIBALISM AND PARROT PORNOGRAPHY, UNLESS THE SUBMITTER PROVIDES PROOF OF RESIDENCE IN A COUNTRY WHERE SUCH PRACTICES ARE CONSIDERED NORMAL.

THE IDENTITY OF INDIVIDUAL RANTEES WILL BE PROTECTED TO A LEVEL APPROPRIATE WITH THE NUMBER AND EXPERTISE OF THEIR LEGAL ADVISORS AS ASSESSED BY ME. THIS RESTRICTION DOES NOT APPLY TO DEAD PEOPLE AND ANNOYING PETS.

ALL RANTS WILL BE PUBLISHED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROVISIONS OF THE GENEVA CONVENTION.

**Don’t forget to post your rant topic anonymously.