A Proposed Amendment to the New Year’s Resolution

“The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” — Albert Einstein

Most days,  we don’t wake up thinking “Oh! I’m going to do something really stupid today!”  The one glaring exception to this morning routine is January 1^st, when millions, perhaps even billions, of us wake up,  firmly resolved to do things we don’t want to do - because if we wanted to, we’d be doing them already.

The first problem with New Year’s resolutions is that they are all about self-improvement. Let’s use my list as an example. I have it memorized, because it’s the same every year.

·         Lose weight.  

·         Exercise more.  

·         Clean house at least once a week.  

·         Quit smoking.  

On the surface, this looks like a pretty good list, right? But let’s examine the subtext here. I’m a

·         fat

·         flabby

·         lazy

·         nicotine-addicted

·         loser.

New Year’s resolutions focus awareness on my imperfections. This is depressing.

The second problem with New Year’s resolutions is that they require behavior modification. Behavior doesn’t magically modify itself. Breaking bad habits involves self-denial and discomfort. So let’s add hunger, aching muscles, exhaustion and withdrawal symptoms to my depression.

Finally, New Year’s resolutions never succeed. Year after year, I pull out this list, make self-improvement plans, and give myself New Year’s Eve pep talks. Year after year I find myself, usually in less than a week, sprawled in my recliner, smoking, and munching on cheese puffs while dirty dishes grow new life forms in my kitchen sink. This alleviates the hunger, exhaustion and withdrawal, but  leaves me with depression caused by failure and adds stupidity to my list of imperfections.  

   

Well not this year. This year I intend to learn from past mistakes by implementing a tradition I’m calling Old Year’s Resolutions.  Here’s how they work: I look back on the year and make a list of everything I tried that didn’t work, then I stop doing it.  

There is only one item on my Old Year’s resolutions list so far:

·         Don’t make any New Year’s resolutions.

This won’t make me thin or toned or industrious or nicotine-free. But I expect to feel much happier and smarter in 2011.

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In honor of the season, and because I'll be sleeping off a turkey-coma somewhere in the wilds of southern Ontario, there will be no post next week. We return to our regularly scheduled blogging on January 2nd.

Meanwhile, may your holidays be happy and safe.